A Sneak Peak at Tyler Perry’s New Movie
Recently, Speed hit me up and asked me to write a piece for Indie 5. Of course I said yes, but then I realized I had serious writer’s block and my deadline was coming up. Well I had to do something, so I decided I would turn in my advanced copy of the script of Tyler Perry’s new movie. He sent it to me to proofread. Now, I can’t violate his trust and publish the whole thing, but here are some of my favorite scenes. Ladies and gentlemen:
“Tyler Perry Presents:
Tyler Perry's
MADEA SAVES CHRISTMAS
SCENE 1.
EXT - CAR WASH - DAY
A group of black guys are washing all the cars. They all
have a gold tooth and they don't stop dancing even when they
wash the cars. They are screaming at the girls in the cars
about their nice titties.
RANDOM CAR WASHER
Nice titties!
Suddenly a girl with her flat belly showing comes out of a
car and walks up to the hero of the movie, D'ANTWANIO like
he's just the man. Her name's TANISHA
TANISHA
You're not like these guys. I want
YOU to wash my car with all that
fine stuff.
D'ANTWANIO
Girl, you so fine you could wash
the car yoself!
TANISHA
Ooooh you are too much.
They start to dance to the beats! Then D'antwanio's friend,
STEVE (played by me), walks up. He's funny but still really
handsome. The total package.
STEVE
Ya'll should get married on
Christmas!!
All the people at the car wash agree by dancing and talking
loudly.
SCENE 7.
EXT. - URBAN PARK - DAY
All of the family is dancing at MADEA'S FRIED CHICKEN PARTY.
They all love the chicken. We zoom in close on the party's
great funny host, Madea (played by me), who's arguing over a
domino game with her HUSBAND (also me). They're both super
sassy like all old black people.
MADEA
Aw naw you ain't gonna disrespect
me in front of all this chicken I
made.
HUSBAND
You smacked the damn table so hard
with ya damn fat hand that I ain't
even see the domino, you cheata.
MADEA
Aw hell ya ugly ol' bastard I got
to cut ya now in the name of HOLY
JESUS CHRIST!!!
HUSBAND
JESUS CHRIST IS KING!
Everyone at the party agrees with that. Gospel music starts
to play and everyone goes to church at that party!
SCENE 15.
INT. - LAUNDROMAT - NIGHT
D'antwanio is going to cheat on Tanisha with a WOMAN at the
laundromat. He knows this is a mistake! He doesn't want to
do it but he can't help it.
D'ANTWANIO
The way you fold those clothes
reminds me of having sex with you.
WOMAN
You better not be married!!!
D'ANTWANIO
There's no ring on this finger!
There's a ring on my fiance's
finger, but I don't have to have
sex with her tonight. Tonight's sex
is with you.
Cut to a sex scene with Boys to Men playing.
SCENE 25.
INT. - CHURCH - DAY
It's Christmas and D'Antwanio and Tanisha are getting
married. They're at the alter and Steve is closeby, totally
stealing the show with his personality. The REVEREND is in
the middle of his wedding thing and he's like a comeplete
pimpin reverend.
REVEREND
So, uh.. If any of ya'll got any
reason this thang shouldn't happen,
say it now.
UNKNOWN VOICE
Yeah, I do!
EVERYONE AT THE WEDDING
Aw snap!
Just then, LAUNDROMAT WOMAN stands up.
WOMAN
Me and D'antwanio had sex to some
Boys to Men!
EVERYONE AT THE WEDDING
No she didn't!
MADEA
Aw hell naw! You low-down sucka!
I'm gon hitcha wit da hot plate.
HITCHA WIT DA HOT PLATE!
Everyone watching the movie starts laughing when she says
that. That's Madea's catchphrase now.
TANISHA
(to D'Antwanio)
I'll never marry you.
Man this wedding is going straight to hell. People are
saying sassy things all over.
STEVE
Everybody be quiet and look up!!
Everybody hushes. They all look up and there's a bright
light. And in the center of the light, TYLER PERRY (me
playing myself) is lowering from the ceiling mysteriously.
The people can't believe it. Some people clap, others just
cry uncontrollably. They yell praise to Tyler while he
floats down.
PERSON 1
You're the voice of the people,
Tyler!
PERSON 2
Thank you for being alive, Mr.
Perry!
Tyler Perry lands on a throne and addresses the wedding.
TYLER PERRY
People at the wedding, lets stop
fighting amongst ourselves. Can't
you see this is exactly what the
white man wants. They pit us
against each other to make us look
foolish. That's why, in my movies,
I paint Black people in a positive,
wholesome light. But when I see you
people arguing at a CHRISTMAS
WEDDING... well I get plain scared
that you'll ruin all the important
things I've done for the world.
They're all ashamed of themselves. As usual, Tyler Perry is
right.
TANISHA
Mr. Perry, is it ok if I still
marry D'Antwanio? I love him after
all.
TYLER PERRY
You have my blessing.
REVEREND
Aw you betta kiss up on that bride,
fool cuz you jus had a CHRISTMAS
WEDDING!!!! Let's all raise the
roof while we electric slide!
They do exactly that. Then Madea comes out with some chicken
and music plays while they dance the night away. Fade to
credits, all of mine coming first, then the other people.
END.
