A Sneak Peak at Tyler Perry’s New Movie

Recently, Speed hit me up and asked me to write a piece for Indie 5. Of course I said yes, but then I realized I had serious writer’s block and my deadline was coming up. Well I had to do something, so I decided I would turn in my advanced copy of the script of Tyler Perry’s new movie. He sent it to me to proofread. Now, I can’t violate his trust and publish the whole thing, but here are some of my favorite scenes. Ladies and gentlemen:

“Tyler Perry Presents:

  Tyler Perry's
          MADEA SAVES CHRISTMAS

                                                         SCENE 1.

          EXT - CAR WASH - DAY

          A group of black guys are washing all the cars. They all
          have a gold tooth and they don't stop dancing even when they
          wash the cars. They are screaming at the girls in the cars
          about their nice titties.

                              RANDOM CAR WASHER
                    Nice titties!

          Suddenly a girl with her flat belly showing comes out of a
          car and walks up to the hero of the movie, D'ANTWANIO like
          he's just the man. Her name's TANISHA

                              TANISHA
                    You're not like these guys. I want
                    YOU to wash my car with all that
                    fine stuff.

                              D'ANTWANIO
                    Girl, you so fine you could wash
                    the car yoself!

                              TANISHA
                    Ooooh you are too much.

          They start to dance to the beats! Then D'antwanio's friend,
          STEVE (played by me), walks up. He's funny but still really
          handsome. The total package.

                              STEVE
                    Ya'll should get married on
                    Christmas!!

          All the people at the car wash agree by dancing and talking
          loudly.

                                                         SCENE 7.

          EXT. - URBAN PARK - DAY

          All of the family is dancing at MADEA'S FRIED CHICKEN PARTY.
          They all love the chicken. We zoom in close on the party's
          great funny host, Madea (played by me), who's arguing over a
          domino game with her HUSBAND (also me). They're both super
          sassy like all old black people.

                              MADEA
                    Aw naw you ain't gonna disrespect
                    me in front of all this chicken I
                    made.

                              HUSBAND
                    You smacked the damn table so hard
                    with ya damn fat hand that I ain't
                    even see the domino, you cheata.

                              MADEA
                    Aw hell ya ugly ol' bastard I got
                    to cut ya now in the name of HOLY
                    JESUS CHRIST!!!

                              HUSBAND
                    JESUS CHRIST IS KING!

          Everyone at the party agrees with that. Gospel music starts
          to play and everyone goes to church at that party!

                                                        SCENE 15.

          INT. - LAUNDROMAT - NIGHT

          D'antwanio is going to cheat on Tanisha with a WOMAN at the
          laundromat. He knows this is a mistake! He doesn't want to
          do it but he can't help it.

                              D'ANTWANIO
                    The way you fold those clothes
                    reminds me of having sex with you.

                              WOMAN
                    You better not be married!!!

                              D'ANTWANIO
                    There's no ring on this finger!
                    There's a ring on my fiance's
                    finger, but I don't have to have
                    sex with her tonight. Tonight's sex
                    is with you.

          Cut to a sex scene with Boys to Men playing.

                                                        SCENE 25.

          INT. - CHURCH - DAY

          It's Christmas and D'Antwanio and Tanisha are getting
          married. They're at the alter and Steve is closeby, totally
          stealing the show with his personality. The REVEREND is in
          the middle of his wedding thing and he's like a comeplete
          pimpin reverend.

                              REVEREND
                    So, uh.. If any of ya'll got any
                    reason this thang shouldn't happen,
                    say it now.

                              UNKNOWN VOICE
                    Yeah, I do!

                              EVERYONE AT THE WEDDING
                    Aw snap!

          Just then, LAUNDROMAT WOMAN stands up.

                              WOMAN
                    Me and D'antwanio had sex to some
                    Boys to Men!

                              EVERYONE AT THE WEDDING
                    No she didn't!

                              MADEA
                    Aw hell naw! You low-down sucka!
                    I'm gon hitcha wit da hot plate.
                    HITCHA WIT DA HOT PLATE!

          Everyone watching the movie starts laughing when she says
          that. That's Madea's catchphrase now.

                              TANISHA
                         (to D'Antwanio)
                    I'll never marry you.

          Man this wedding is going straight to hell. People are
          saying sassy things all over.

                              STEVE
                    Everybody be quiet and look up!!

          Everybody hushes. They all look up and there's a bright
          light. And in the center of the light, TYLER PERRY (me
          playing myself) is lowering from the ceiling mysteriously.
          The people can't believe it. Some people clap, others just
          cry uncontrollably. They yell praise to Tyler while he
          floats down.

                              PERSON 1
                    You're the voice of the people,
                    Tyler!

                              PERSON 2
                    Thank you for being alive, Mr.
                    Perry!

          Tyler Perry lands on a throne and addresses the wedding.

                              TYLER PERRY
                    People at the wedding, lets stop
                    fighting amongst ourselves. Can't
                    you see this is exactly what the
                    white man wants. They pit us
                    against each other to make us look
                    foolish. That's why, in my movies,
                    I paint Black people in a positive,
                    wholesome light. But when I see you
                    people arguing at a CHRISTMAS
                    WEDDING... well I get plain scared
                    that you'll ruin all the important
                    things I've done for the world.

          They're all ashamed of themselves. As usual, Tyler Perry is
          right.

                              TANISHA
                    Mr. Perry, is it ok if I still
                    marry D'Antwanio? I love him after
                    all.

                              TYLER PERRY
                    You have my blessing.

                              REVEREND
                    Aw you betta kiss up on that bride,
                    fool cuz you jus had a CHRISTMAS
                    WEDDING!!!! Let's all raise the
                    roof while we electric slide!

          They do exactly that. Then Madea comes out with some chicken
          and music plays while they dance the night away. Fade to
          credits, all of mine coming first, then the other people.

                                                             END.