A Table-Turnin’ Thanksgiving!

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? If you’re reading this, you’re not in Dubai putting babies into supermodels. You’re also probably not changing the world for the better (that cannot be done by reading my writing). So then what do you have to be thankful for? The simple things. You have both your eyes, arms, legs, and a (pretty much) fully-functioning brain… you can give thanks for that, right? Well with the magic of Thanksgiving irony, here are 5 people who don’t have those things, people who are technically disabled… and they’ll be spending turkey day giving thanks that they’re not you.

# 5) Luca Patuelli: defective dance machine

Being that this is a hip hop related site, I had to start it off with a b-boy. Luca Patuelli is a Canadian (that’s not his disability) who loves to dance. So, then, it’s unfortunate for Luca that god apparently wants him to never move at all. Luca was born with Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita. That’s not a science-related movie theater, it’s a congenital disorder that reduces mobility of the joints in the arms and legs (in Luca’s case, just the legs) and also stunts the growth of said limbs. Between this disorder and his scoliosis (nature’s way of kicking a man while he’s down), Luca has undergone over 16 surgeries… Fourteen of them before he was 17 years old. These included a 9-hour scoliosis surgery at the age of 13 and an Osteotomy at the age of 15 that required cutting his femurs in half. I’d explain what an Osteotomy is but once a femur’s cut in half does it really matter why? Work on ignoring that question while I ask you another: How good a dancer are you? Is your two-step impressive? Probably not. If you’re like me you have just enough pinache on the dance floor to get a drunk girl to get into your bed. Now is the time when you stop feeling sorry for Luca and start feeling sorry for yourself…

That’s Luca in a battle with another “disabled” breakdancer. Before you ask, yes they are both more popular than you. But at least he’s got some motion, right? Unlike…

# 4) Stephen Hawking: Science Machine

Stephen Hawking would have been much higher on this list if he wasn’t such a superstar. I barely need to write anything about him, given his celebrity status. So famous, he is, that a reputable source even named him an official living super-hero. But despite all that, you probably still feel sad for him. Look at him all helpless in that wheelchair. Poor guy. And while you’re thinking that, he’s looking at us thinking “Look at those idiots. They have no idea what’s going on in the world.” One of you two is right (hint: it’s not you).

Stephen Hawking is quite possibly the smartest man alive. And I use the term “alive” loosely. Stephen has Lou Gherig’s disease. He was supposed to die roughly 45 years ago and he decided not to. So now he’s using sheer will power to keep a lifeless body from decomposing so it can house the brain that will explain the universe to us. What did you do today?

# 3) Ben Underwood: The Real Daredevil

When Ben Underwood was 2 years old, he was diagnosed with retinal cancer. When he was 3, his eyes were removed to save his life. Let me say that to you again: the kid on the rollerblades with no adult supervision doesn’t have any fucking eyes! Pretty sad right? No. See, Ben doesn’t need eyes to live his life. When he was 5 he found out that he could get around just as well using echolocation. Yes, that is the sensory system made famous by bats, dolphins, submarines and, most importantly, NEVER EVER HUMAN BEINGS! Ben invented a sophisticated clicking sound that he uses to accurately determine his surroundings. The echo bounces off the things near him and he uses that echo to find out what and where they are. Sounds insane right? See for yourself…

In case you’re wondering, Ben has had hearing tests done, his sense of hearing is average. He just thinks canes are for pussies. And while we’re on the subject of blindness…

# 2) Rex Lewis-Clack: Savant

Rex Lewis-Clack is blind, like Ben Underwood. He’s also severely mentally disabled. So much so that doctors assumed he’d never be able to speak or walk. He does both now, neither all that well though. He can’t button a shirt or tie shoes and he has trouble with simple questions. Rex Lewis-Clack is a fucking mess… until he sits at a piano. Rex is a musical savant, he can play any song he hears in any style you want it played in. And at 13 years old he’s already an accomplished classical musician who’s done several tours.

Do you feel like a lazy shit yet? You will when you meet….

# 1) Jessica Cox: Renaissance woman

Meet Jessica Cox. Pretty hot right? Slow down, bucko, she’s not posing, she’s word processing. “With her feet?” you ask… yes, of course. Jessica doesn’t have arms.

Pretty impressive, then, that she uses a computer, right? Not really, when you consider the fact that she is a licensed driver.

Now that’s impressive… isn’t it? No. Driving a car is for ass holes when you’re the only armless person on the fucking earth who is legally allowed to pilot a plane!

That’s right, lazy ass, she’s a licensed pilot as well. In fact, Jessica’s armlessness has been nothing but a minor inconvenience for a wide array of tasks she does on her own, from putting in her contact lenses and applying her own make-up, to playing the piano, to holding 2 fucking black belts in tae kwon do.

But I can show you better than I can tell you…

Happy Thanksgiving.