Doggie Dog World

The most common question I get from people is “Where do you get all your money?” (not true). And the truth is, it doesn’t come from my good looks. I work during the day as a dog walker. It’s a great job, if you like dogs. You work outside, you make good money, you get exercise, you get to snoop around people’s houses (just joking… or am I?), and you have plenty of time to think. But even though it seems like a dream job with no bosses breathing down your neck about expense reports or whatever bosses breath down necks about, there are still ass holes everywhere. So this is for those of you that are new to dog walking or are thinking of trying it: a complete list of weasly fucks sent to earth to make your dream job a nightmare. They are arranged in order of least annoying to most annoying. Enjoy…

The Creep

The Creep is actually the least aggravating of all these people, and he can take on many forms. Sometimes the Creep is the guy who just likes the dog a little too much. Sometimes the Creep is the woman who makes bizarre comments like “You’re so cute I’m gonna kidnap you.” Keep an eye on that Creep.

My favorite Creep is one that you wouldn’t think would be common but is. This Creep is an adult male or female, usually in some sort of important business suit, probably discussing those expense reports with other cookie-cutter business douches. They seem like they are completely no-nonsense, but as soon as they get a glimpse of the dog they all say the same thing…

“PUPPIEEEEEES!!!”

I promise you this is a very common occurrence. And it never stops being weird.

The Proud Parent

The Propaganda Mom

Sorry for yelling at you, Scaredy Cat. I don’t blame you for your behavior. The reason I don’t blame you is because you probably had a Propaganda Mom. This is a less common offender but still a bad one. This is a mom, walking with her kid(s), coming towards you on the street. The kid is happy, fun loving, carefree, and when he sees your dog, his face lights up. He’s on his way to pet him and that’s totally fine with you, but not with Propaganda Mom. This is when she’ll probably scream something like “Don’t pet that dog he’s gonna bite you!!”

Really, Propaganda Mom? You think I’m walking some out-of-control attack dog down Wall Street at lunch time? Maybe I look like somebody who really loves being sued. Or I just want to be made a villain by the local papers when a kid loses a finger. Propaganda Mom, you are crappy for reasons I can’t understand.

The Roadblock

The Roadblock exists for everyone, not just people with dogs. For non-dog-owners, the Roadblock might be the couple that has to keep holding hands no matter how crowded the sidewalk is. Or maybe it’s the fat Midwestern tourists that all huddle up in the middle of the street to look at the map and figure out where the dang Olive Garden is (real New York food).

But for dog owners/walkers, the Roadblock is all those things plus one special and annoying extra. Our Roadblock is the guy with the pinstriped suit or girl with the boob job or whatever else insecure people do. They walk right towards you… they’re alone, but you have 2, 3, maybe 4 dogs who are with you solely because the leash won’t let them escape. But the Roadblock… doesn’t move. They will not get out of your way. Not even shift a bit to let you by. They are in a game of chicken with your dogs and they want to win… bad. Then the best part, they trip over the leash. Or they catch a paw to the balls from an excited puppy. Or (if you’re lucky) they get peed on a bit.

Then, the even bester part… they are mad at you and the dog!

Sorry about that, Roadblock. I feel where you’re coming from. It would be totally awesome if all dogs scurried to the side and bowed before us as we passed. Then maybe an Eagle would swoop down and land on our shoulder and feed us grapes. Then a Grizzly Bear would run up and give you a hi-five before mauling every high school bully who gave you your insecurities. Unfortunately, those fuckers are oblivious to the hierarchy of things and we are working against nature and logic with all this dreaming, so howsabout you get the fuck out of my way, k? Thanks

The Nosy Worrier

“He’s eating something. He’s eating something! OMIGOD HE’S EATING SOMETHING!! PAY ATTENTION HE’S EATING SOMETHING OFF THE GROUND OMIGOD THE SKY IS FALLING HE HAS A LEAF IN HIS MOUTH AND I WANT TO DIE!!!” - The Nosy Worrier

I fucking hate you, Nosy Worrier. You are the winner. You are the worst offender on the list. The Nosy Worrier is in a complete panic about everything your dog does. And they are going to go out of their way to tell you in detail.

Let me tell you something, Nosy Worrier, I walk these dogs every fucking day. I know more about them than they do. I know they’re gonna shit before they do. I see stuff they’ll want to eat before they see it. I steer them clear of trouble before they even know what’s going on. So if you see the dog grab something off the ground, it’s probably harmless. And if I don’t reach into their mouths its because that particular dog is not cool with hands in his mouth. And do you know how dogs who are not cool with hands in their mouths react to hands in their mouths? They bite them, Nosy Worrier… so, hey, don’t you reach your fucking hand in his mouth either! (Ed. note: yes that actually happened.)

Also, when you see me dragging a dog, don’t run up to me in a frenzy and have me take out my headphones to tell me to stop pulling her because “she’s gotta pee”. She doesn’t have to pee, she’s just being a stubborn little shit. If you want to walk this dog then give the owner your resume. Otherwise leave me the fuck alone.

So there it is. A complete list of shit heads. If you are a dog walker, watch out for them. If you ARE one of these people, stop it.

Thanks.